16 Be joyful always; 17 pray continually.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-17
Who knew five words could be so demanding?
It’s February 2010, in my second full week of the semester, and to be honest, I’m struggling. I feel like I have a pretty good right to feel bogged down, too: I’m taking 17 credits this semester. I’m very involved with AgapeFest this year and have 5 different hour-long meetings each week for the festival. I’ve been searching for a job within a 20-mile radius since August and still haven’t found a job. I’m almost never making time for Bible reading and I rarely make the trip to Whitlock to try and write music. I’m struggling on a few other levels, too, and it’s really starting to get to me.
Is it easy to get in this position? Absolutely. I’ve been in this rut for quite a while, quite honestly. I’ve done a pretty decent job of hiding it up until recently, but I think I’ve finally realized I have to just come out and say it.
It all started before school started back up. Back in August, my old car’s transmission was falling apart and I knew it wouldn’t last me through college. My mom and I decided we were gonna see about getting me a new vehicle. We found a very nice car at a very reasonable price, but found out that because Mom is still making car payments on her vehicle that she couldn’t cosign on a loan for me. We decided to try and talk to my grandparents (father’s parents) and see if they would be willing to give me a hand. They wanted nothing to do with it, and insulted both me and my mother very harshly. They told me that I was not responsible and that it was obviously my mom wasn’t responsible either because she was going to let me get away with another huge expense like this. We calmly walked out of their house, and on the way home, I managed to use every single curse word I possibly knew. I love my mom more than anything (evidence), and to hear someone make these accusations about her, especially my own grandparents, put me in a rage. They never apologized for what they said, and I have not spoken to them since then. I know that there were better ways to handle that, but there isn’t much going back now. Maybe one day my grandparents and I will have a real talk, but they haven’t respected me since the day I told them I was going into the music business, so I don’t think that is going to change anytime soon.
So ever since that day, I’ve been trying to prove my grandparents wrong and show them that I’m responsible enough to pay for a car. Show them that I’m not a little kid anymore. Show them that I’m worth something. And so far? I haven’t done much towards any of those three. And that’s been tough to swallow.
One thing about me is that I’m a person that loves relationships. I love having close friendships with people. I thoroughly enjoy spending one on one time with people and trading stories. I feel like that’s how I best interact with my friends. But I’ve struggled doing that this school year. So if you are my friend and haven’t seen much of me this school year, please let me know. I’m sorry for not spending time with you and I want to fix that.
So how do I get away from this? Be joyful always; pray continually. Sounds easy, right? I mean, five words doesn’t sound like too difficult of a mantra to live by. But I’ve never been hit harder by five words in my life. I think I have to realize that life is not always going to go as smoothly as I wish. I also have to realize that God’s plan is exponentially better than mine as well. I just have to let it go, be joyful, and pray.
Sorry for the length.
City Of Black & White
Album – City Of Black & White